MYTHS SABOTAGING EMPATHS - MAMMOTH MYTH #2: ENERGY VAMPIRES ARE OUT TO GET US

Energy Vampires Drain our Energy as Empaths. That’s the common belief in the Empath community. I’m noticing this phrase, Energy Vampire, increase in use in the news, in books, and on social media.

Let’s take a look at what the definition of an Energy Vampire is.

Dictionary.com refers to an Energy Vampire as a noun meaning. “the electric power consumed by electronic appliances while they are switched off or in a standby mode; also called standby power, [ phantom load ] A very common energy vampire is a power adapter which has no power-off switch.”

I didn’t expect to find that definition when I looked up an Energy Empath. That doesn’t even refer to a person, but an appliance. So I looked further.

The definition by Urban Dictionary states: “A person who boosts his/her own energy by taking energy from others by means of an argument, belittlement, criticism or other one-sided conversation.”

This definition is what I believe most people using the term Energy Empath refer to.

I can understand where the term Energy Vampire comes from. It’s catchy, strong, and sums up the process of one sensitive person feeling drained by someone else in only 2 succinct words.

I do agree that people with certain attributes can feel draining to others, especially we Empaths who feel more deeply, see more details, and intuit more as we go through each day. This ability to do so much more can be draining in and of itself, even when we’re not with an Energy Vampire.

I don’t like the term Energy Vampire for a few reasons. It’s very negative. It’s blaming of others - that somehow they suck or steal energy from us without our permission - like an attack. And most of the advice is to run in the other direction from them, especially if you’re an Empath. That often doesn’t work because we wouldn’t even be around them if we truly had a choice. Often it’s a family member, relative, co-worker or another person in a position of authority or importance in our lives.

I’d like to refer to another that feels draining to us as an Energy Sponge. I believe they are Sponges because they challenge us to set better boundaries, communicate more clearly, and stand up for our sensitive selves. Without the strong effects of an Energy Sponge, many of us would not develop systems that keep us strong and balanced.

There are several types of Energy Sponges that I have encountered. I’ll share what I’ve noticed, and then we’ll look at learning opportunities for dealing with them.

• Non-stop talkers. You know those people that do all the talking and you can’t get a word in edgewise. Even when you do speak loudly over them, they will cut you off mid-sentence and go into what they need to say. Of course that can feel draining.

• Drama Seekers. These are the men and women that seem to over-react to everything. Something happens and they go down the worst possible path. Their teen is an hour late for curfew and they’re dying in a hospital. The stock market plummets a few hundred points and they won’t ever be able to retire. Listening to anyone with these kinds of worries and fears can be exhausting if we let it be.

• One-sided conversations. The Non-stop talkers and Drama Seekers are usually part of the one-sided conversation crowd. We are polite, empathic, caring Empaths will often let almost anyone else talk about himself or herself. It’s often a part of our nature. Yet if we don’t feel like we can be an interactive part of the conversation, we may spend the entire time feeling bad about the communication.

• Narcissists. The world revolves around the narcissist in that person’s mind. They think they are very important and want constant praise. How exhausting that can be.

These are just a few of the types of Energy Sponges in the world. And the reality is, being around them can become unpleasant. And if we let it go on, it can be exhausting and draining. These Energy Sponges are out of balance. Many of them have a hole in their soul that they are trying to cover up, fill, ignore or create drama around so they don’t have to deal with the agony of their condition. So they develop these crazy, hard to handle characteristics to keep others away and to distract themselves.

But here’s the thing. No one can change someone else. We may have to work with this person. We may chose to see her or him over the holidays because she or he is with others we want to spend time with. They may be a neighbor, colleague, or friend of our partner or spouse. We may want so badly to say this or show them that so that they will see what they’ll doing and want to change so that we’ll feel better. Yet most people won’t do that. People may change, but it’s because they want to when they see a need and a benefit.

Here’s the rub. We as Empaths are responsible for changing ourselves. If we are feeling drained by other people, no matter what label we attach to their personality, than we are out of balance. That is what we need to focus on energies on so that we don’t leave work, a party, or any outing feeling totally depleted and depressed. We need to get to a place where we can walk through the world and stay in tact and balanced no matter who we encounter.

​I’ve always lived by the rule that if I want someone else to change, I need to change myself. Because when I change, the person I am relating too must somehow change - even if it’s just to leave because being around the new me doesn't feel comfortable anymore.
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So how can you become more balanced as an Empath so that you don’t feel drained when you are around unbalanced people?

1. Accept yourself and your sensitivities. If you know you won’t do well listening to a particular person for very long, set limits. Perhaps you go to say Hi and they start in on their latest drama or everything they’ve done for the last 6 months. You can’t get a word in edgewise. Notice what is stopping you for telling them how you feel. What inside of you is stopping you from moving on to someone more pleasant to talk to? Find a way to set a limit and move on, even if you interrupt them and say “It’s been nice to see you. I want to go over and chat with Jason now.” Your power is in the present moment, as Louise Hay would say.
2. Have compassion for them. They are hurting and most likely have no idea how hard they can be to socialize with. I often look at someone who is so out of touch as having a toothache. When we have a toothache, we are in so much pain it is really hard for us to truly listen to another. Many people have chronic “toothaches.” I can’t fix a toothache of theirs, but I can sure understand how hard that must be.
3. Realize it is not your problem to fix. End the conversation when you want to. And watch out for the guilt and self-judgments that arise. Forgive yourself for wanting to be nice to the point of self-sacrifice and draining your energy.
4. Speak your truth using I words. We learn in therapy that it’s important to use “I” when you’re discussing things with your spouse. It presents the information in a less charged way. Think about how to do this. “I’ll talk to you another time. I’m going to the bathroom. I’m going to chat with Jamie. Etc.
5. Learn from less sensitive friends. I have a close friend that will end a conversation abruptly and either leave or go talk to someone else. I use to feel that it was rude the way he ended conversations. Yet he is well liked and often the life of a party. So as an Empath, I realized that I judge myself if I don’t continue to listen to someone, even when I don’t want to. This friend has helped me to realize it’s okay to end things and walk away.
6. Have a strategy before you go. Just like you’d prepare appropriate foods for sensitivities before you go to a meal, be prepared with ways to handle difficult people. Look at these like tools you can use to accomplish what you want.

RESOURCES:
There are a couple of must-reads that I use for reference.

1. In Dr. Judith Orloff’s book, The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, she presents many types of Protections Strategies and rebalancing tools that you can use. She’s a psychiatrist and an Empath that shares her learnings and practices of herself and patients. It’s a must read.
2. Another must read is Jean Haner’s Clear Home, Clear Heart: Learn to Clear the Energy of People & Places. Jean teaches you how a simple way to retrain your body and system so that it isn’t taking on the energy of people and places and remaining balanced. It’s based on Chinese Medicine that has been around for over 12,000 years.​

You are a powerful Empath with many choices. Your sensitivities increase your power because they increase your information. If we Empaths can get out of running from situations, avoiding Energy Sponges, and instead, approach people and place from a point of power and balance, we can walk through the world feel self-assured and content.

So let's BUST Mammoth Myth #2. ENERGY VAMPIRES ARE NOT OUT TO GET US.   They need our compassion, and we can practice staying balanced and centered while we are with them.
B U S T E D !

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LET'S AFFIRM
(say this 1,000 time while looking in the mirror): 

"I completely embrace myself as an Empath.
I easily and effortless set limits so I stay balanced.
I learn how to be with people and places and stay rested, strong and balanced.
​I love me." 

Stay tuned next week for the blog on Mammoth Myth #3: Empaths Attract Narcissists  ...