4 MYTHS SABOTAGING EMPATHS - MAMMOTH MYTH #3: EMPATHS ATTRACT NARCISSISTS

"Your (selfish) connection with Well-Being ..." from ASK AND IT IS GIVEN by Esther and Jerry Hicks (Hay House, 2004)

​So let's BUST Mammoth Myth #3. WE ATTRACT NARCISSISTS.

What the heck is a narcissist? And why are we so good at attracting them?

Here are some definitions of narcissists and narcissism.

Dictionary.com: ”a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish.”
UrbanDictionary.com: “A person with no soul. The only thing bigger than their inflated ego is the void that they demand others to fill.”
Merriam-Webster.com: "an individual showing symptoms of or suffering from narcissism:
a : an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance
b : a person who is overly concerned with his or her physical appearance"
Wikipedia: "Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes. The term originated from Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water."

Just from reading these definitions, I get the impression of a really out-of-balance person. Like their cup must feel so empty that they have to fill it with self-centeredness and the pursuit of gratification. Like they are so concerned about how they look they can't function without doing something about it. I like the Green Narcissus - I can just see him falling  in love with his own reflection.

I like to think of narcissists like they have a severe toothache - everyday, all day.

When I most recently had a failing molar, it hurt like hell. Since I like to work with my body to give it what it needs, I worked on seeing if I could heal it without prescription drugs and a root canal. This took some time. I went through a week of severe pain, my jawline swollen and sore. I would’ve addressed it sooner, but I was traveling out of town for business. 

When I had that toothache, it was really hard for me to think of anything else. Even while I sat in my business meetings, which were informative, useful, and with fantastic colleagues, I felt that thing deeply! It kept me up at night, and my whole focus landed on healing that pain.

Take a narcissist. They are in pain. They are so much in pain that they can only think of themselves. And it’s not healthy or normal for a human to be so focused on themselves and the pursuit of themselves that they can’t empathize with others. Their pain is emotional, and it’s a huge toothache.

And get this, it’s not so easy to fix as my failing molar. That tooth took a morning appointment for a root canal, and some antibiotics, a clearing for adverse effects (that’s another blog!) and shots of kefir to keep my body balanced with taking antibiotics. And many supporting "I" messages.

We Empaths are wonderful, aren’t we? We listen carefully, feel the pain of others - often so deeply we can feel their symptoms in our bodies, and put our needs last. In fact, we have to work at our self care because it’s automatic for us to put ourselves last. 

Then we’re walking down the street somewhere and we run into a narcissist. They’re hurting. They need to feel important, to have others listen and tell them how important they are. They thrive on being put first. And here we come along!  It’s the perfect match.

So as they go through life doing the best that they can, they may attract Empaths. 

As an Empath, I have great compassion for narcissists. Don’t we all? We Empaths naturally have empathy, a characteristic lacking in narcissists.

And to heal, and I believe anyone can heal, narcissists need to come to terms with that deep pain, that hole in their soul. And many of them chose not to do it.

So how do we avoid that person as they walk down the street?

Here are some tips:

1. Ask yourself: How balanced am I if I am attracting narcissists? We attract our greatest learning into our closest relationships, so the work starts with you. The good news is that you can change yourself, and doing so will change your life.
2. Identify where you are off balance. I have found it helpful to work with therapists, counselors, and coaches to help me identify what needs healing. Consider hiring someone to help you.
3. Firm up your emotional boundaries. Especially If the narcissists in your life are parents, siblings, or other relatives, this becomes so important. And that’s probably why you chose this family - to have a fantastic learning experience (sometimes learning sucks until we get the lesson learned and the resulting bliss!) Working with a strongly out of balance family often means getting out of their physical space and having no contact until you heal so that you can regain your boundaries. 
4. Don’t go all in to any relationship all at once (and that includes sex!) When you meet someone, especially if you grew up with narcissists, your tendency will be to go right in and take care of them. It will feel natural, and you’ll be smacking yourself on the head going “How did I do this again?” We Empaths must work at knowing where our sensations/pain/symptoms stop and another person’s starts. We are in danger of becoming enmeshed easily. Keep those boundaries steadfast as you explore new relationships.
5. Love yourself no matter what. You are doing the best you can. If you find yourself in another narcissistic relationship, it’s more opportunity for learning. So don’t hate on yourself.
6. Observe the narcissist in an inquisitive way without judgement. Take a step back emotionally and understand how they put themselves first. How do they seek attention? How do they not care what others’ feel or want? Is there anyway that you can move in their direction of putting yourself first, caring more about yourself, and letting others have their own drama? 

By the way, Empaths are so selfless that we fear we may become too self-centered if we put ourselves first. In my experience, healthy, balanced Empaths know how to put themselves first, and care about themselves in loving ways! They don't become narcissistic. Instead, they have a personalized superstructure to make them enjoyable, loving people on the planet. 

Mammoth Myth B U S T E D ! Empaths attract narcissists only when they have emotional work to do! So let’s get to it!

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LET'S AFFIRM
(say this 1,000 time while looking in the mirror):

"I completely embrace myself as an Empath.
I put my self-care first.
I easily and effortlessly set firm boundaries.
I know what my sensations and symptoms are, and I easily know when I’m picking up on some else’s.
I learn how to be with people, in many places, and stay rested, strong, and balanced.
​I love me."

Stay tuned next week for the blog on Mammoth Myth #4: Empaths ABSORB OTHERS’ MOODS, ENERGY, FEELINGS  ...